How to Exercise Like a Boss

If you’re like me your daily exercise consists of picking up the remote sitting on top of your arm chair and replacing it when you’ve found the latest show to binge on Netflix. Recent events (as in if my husband and I each go to the gym 100 times within a year, my husband’s company will pay us $650) have prompted me to change my familiar habits. Motivation like that is hard to resist.

While there was a steep learning curve in the beginning, I’ve got about a year logged in at the gym and tons of experience to share about how to exercise like a boss.

DON’T spend your money on a compression sports bra. While it claims to squeeze and hold your breasts tightly to the body, the pressure actually creates a suction effect rivaling that of a black hole. To get your girls out of this kind of bra, you’ll need some WD-40 and a crowbar. Once you’ve jimmied your way out, throw it away and DO buy one of those expensive athletic bras with the zippered front. It separates and compartmentalizes your breasts while providing comfortable support. And if your zipper comes apart while you are running the track, you can always claim it as free advertising for your bachelor party trick as an R-rated piñata.

Cautionary note: If you feel your zipper starting to slide during your workout, move away from innocent bystanders. Once that zipper is down, your girls are on the loose and there’s no telling what could happen. Fortunately the man whose eye I nearly took out was too happy to sue.

DON’T worry about hiding your muffin top  within the familiar embrace of your baggy shorts and over sized t-shirt. In spite of all the fat shaming you see on the Internet, no one cares what you look like! So go ahead and DO buy those tight yoga pants and the spandex tankini you see all the other moms wearing. Once you work up a good sweat and you feel it dripping down your back and into your pants, the squeaking sound your thighs make when they rub together will be sweet reward for all your hard work.

Plus, all that sweat and spandex will lube your pants making them slide right off when done exercising, or in the middle of your workout on the treadmill. Whatever works!

Reminder: The gym is not a good place to go commando. There might not be anybody in front of you, but there is probably a line of people behind you.

DON’T worry about stretching before or after exercising. It’s a waste of time and could cause you to miss your opportunity to grab the good machine with the built in TV. Instead DO jump right onto a machine and push through your 30 required minutes. When you get off, skip the after workout cool down.  If you stumble or walk into a wall because your leg muscles still think they are frantically pumping on the elliptical, it just means you’ve nailed your workout. Go home and celebrate with a bowl of ice cream!

Tip: When you’re sprawled in your chair late at night from sore muscles, grab yourself a glass or three of wine to relax and remember what you are really working for–complete inebriation so you don’t have to go to the gym tomorrow.

This story is featured on Hahas for Hoohas on July 21st, 2015.

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