Me: Hey, I got you a little something for Valentine’s Day.
Hubs: We don’t do that. Besides,I don’t have anything for you.
Me: Don’t worry. I bought you something to give to me.
Hubs: You did? Hmm, what if you don’t like it?
Me: I bought it. Of course I like it.
Hubs: How much did I spend?
Me: Five dollars.
Hubs: I didn’t realize I was so cheap.
Me: I spent the same amount on you.
Hubs: Ah, a frugal wife. Sexy!
Me: It’s just some chocolate. No big deal.
Hubs: Then if it isn’t a big deal, why didn’t you just buy yourself some chocolate and drop this whole pretense of me giving you something you clearly wanted for yourself?
Me: If I buy myself chocolate then I hate myself for indulging, but if I get chocolate as a gift then I can eat it without guilt BECAUSE IT’S A GIFT and everyone knows it’s rude to let a gift go to waste.
Hubs: That makes absolutely no sense. It’s still the same amount of calories whether it’s a gift or not.
Me: Fine. I bought the chocolate for myself. Are you happy?
Hubs: At least you’re being honest with me. Hey, where are you going?
Me: To eat my damn chocolate.
Hubs: One of those is mine.
Me: Not anymore. And don’t forget to pick up something for Valentine’s Day on the way home from work.
Hubs: Well, shit.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
(C) Sara Ackerman, 2017