Inside the Mountain

Honeyed lies from mewling lips

spewing false platitudes

echo like gospel in the rafters of our minds

until after years of hearing distorted speech

we accept for fact that which is not true

(I think I can. I think I can)

 

Those words,

a refrain drilled

into my subconscious until the only reason

I perceive success is because of a line of text from

a child’s story,

offer no more than false hope

and empty sentiments to fuel a waning fire

twisting until the flickering life is

contained.

(I think I can. I think I can)

 

But at the end of the day it is still

me-

clinging to the face of the mountain

wind howling,

arms heavy as numb fingers dig into

unyielding

unforgiving

stone.

(I think I can. I think I can).

 

Because no matter how hard I try

how hard I push

“I can” is not always my reality.

My reality is waking up in the middle of the night

screaming at ghosts decades old

It’s pushing myself to

exhaustion to prove

my worth,

or coming to the startling realization no matter

how hard I try

some  peaks will remain

out of reach.

(I think I can’t. I think I can’t.)

 

There is no way around this, no

over

or through.

There is only stubborn refusal

to give in,

to  check selfish interests

and resist unlocking clenched fingers from their

fragile

hold

to fall.

 

(I think I am. I think I am.)

 

But-

what if the only way around was through

and the only way out was in and

a place existed where giving up

equates success while

letting go was a victory.

(I think I am. I think I am.)

 

When I finally hear the voice above the battering winds

and let go

I fall-

not to be crushed

but embraced,

wrapped in ropy tendrils of solid granite

absorbed into layers of ancient sediment-

blue, gold and red.

(I think I am. I think I am.)

 

Within the beating heart of solid stone,

no longer unyielding but supportive

not unforgiving but firm,

I find my out

by going in.

(I am. I am.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “Inside the Mountain

    1. Thank you. Nothing like feeling stressed and stretched too thin to bring on a bout of introspection. What is it about the changing seasons that inspire these thoughts? On the plus side, I’ve increased my self-care. Polished off the last of the apple crisp before the kids could get to it and now am contemplating some blogging followed by a good hour or two of binging on Netflix.

      1. Wow, that’s rough. Is she a nurse? And I complain when I have to get up at 5 to teach kids in China and then go to my day job. I don’t think I could do as early as 2.

      2. She is an O. F. A. on the ferry, which means emergency equal to ambulance attendant takes care of med. Emergency. On board the ferry. Superceeded by doc or special. Care nurse if they are on board. Training includes terrorist attacks and such the ferry does leave the doc without her and her word is law regarding ferry returning or docking really any emergency situation. It’s been good training and she’s loving the job. She put in for position training other ofa’s so will hear soon. She’s letter of the law when it comes to response time on board ferry and really good at handling patients. Lol she says just don’t YOU need me mom lol. I guess I’m a little too close for comfort. She recently handled an emergency involving her partner ofa and it was severe. That one required a debrief. I’ve always been good with emergencies.

      3. Oh, wow. What a fascinating job. It takes a special kind of person to remain calm and level headed in an emergency. Sounds like she is one of the lucky ones!

      4. I got interrupted it disappeared. My daughter works 4- 5am to 1 30 shifts followed by 4- 1 30 to 11 30 shifts add an hour each end of each shift. So my shift begins . . . Then. She has 4 days off and starts again, my shift begins, no wait, it doesn’t end, just turns into making dinner for everyone, lol. And here I was going to Netflix, well ok, after 1 am when everyone else is in bed, yeah that’s the ticket smirk smirk

      5. LOL. Yes, our shifts never end, do they? You’re a good mom, though for making sure everyone is fed and ready to go. Just tell your daughter to buy you your favorite dessert and eat it in front of them when you’re feeling like you don’t have enough “me time.” Drives my family nuts!

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